i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
