next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
