I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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