im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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