Having a random hookup so left but love u
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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