I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
