Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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