I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
