I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Pants are for mortals
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
