I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
