my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
