I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
