I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
