Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
