I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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