I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
