I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
