How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
