Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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