I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
