I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
