Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
