someone threw a dead crab at me
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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