I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
