in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
