Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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