I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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