the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
