my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Randomize
