It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
did i just pee glitter
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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