I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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