she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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