Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
