My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Randomize
