thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
