You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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