i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
