mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I've blown a few things in my day
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
