I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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