You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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