it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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