I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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