I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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