also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
You can't motorboat a personality
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
