Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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