Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
