He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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