mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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