I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
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