woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Did I show you my penis last night?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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