considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
