if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize
