She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
